Holding Myself in Grace

Since my last blog entry I have joined the ranks of thousands of Americans, as I returned to therapy. I found a great therapist from a referral of a good friend and ally.

I had been looking. I had been looking for a male therapist. I did not think a woman therapist would be the right fit.

Lo and behold, I was wrong. When the student is ready, the teacher appears.

I am a very good therapist, so I have extremely high expectations of all therapists. Most don't come near meeting my lofty ideals. Most are too "technique" based. What works best for my own therapy is a Jungian/Freudian. What I am best at providing for others is a gestalt/psychodrama/narrative approach.

I believe fully that the mishaps of our early beginnings in life cast long, far-reaching and dark shadows upon our SELF over the course of our lifespans.

My goal for therapy is to stretch my immature underdeveloped SELF into a more reliable and accountable me.

It is not easy pushing mySELF out into the world in ways that purposely make me uncomfortable. I walked into that therapist's office and told her all my deep dark secrets about letting myself off the hook. I explained that I would lie to her when I wanted to take a break and would become defensive when I was afraid. I clearly stated that I would balk at any attempt by her to push me.

She still agreed to take me on.

I think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship, with mySELF.

Arising Rose, #1487

© 2011 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

(click image for larger version)

Details: October 6, 2010; Canon 20D; f/8 @ 1/320 sec; —2/3 EV; ISO 400; 100mm.

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Loyal Soldier

In the hustle and bustle of everyday living I lose track of the divine in all things. The mundane and familiar can become incidental. The drama of everyday living is so compelling.

I love a good storyline. When I get caught up in the drama of others, I avoid self care. I have been running in my life for so long, I am not if I can stop. I believe I have done this since I was very young. It must have been purposeful, at some point. Now it has become destructive and ineffective. If it was still working, I would not be blogging about it. My tendency to "over do it" has cost me relationships. It has also impacted my integrity because I am less accountable to myself and others when I try to do it all.

I am vivacious and a lover of life. I love to live fully with all senses engaged. I cannot do this every minute of everyday. I t is too much. It is artificial. It no longer serves me.

How does one slow down but stay present and authentic?

How do I remain fully engaged but not continue to be the "little engine that could?"

What will my loyal soldier's next assignment be?

Egret's Egress, #3921

© 2011 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

(click image for larger version)

Details: February 2, 2011; Canon 20D; f/6.3 @ 1/4016 sec; ±0 EV; ISO 400; 430mm.

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