Saturday, July 31, 2010

The Absence of Fences

I am afraid of intimacy.

I like the comfort of being in control of my personal world.

When I chance loving another being, I surrender the illusion of being the one who makes things happen.


In marriage we must recognize our own personal fences. The types, styles, colors and purposes of our fences are totally our design.


Well, we did have help in constructing our fences from our parents, family of origin and social constructs. Religions are notorious carpenters as well. So fences are prefab.

All the fences we have constructed are purposeful.
They are intended to keep some things in and others out. Their effectiveness may wane, however.

My fences help contain parts of my Self when necessary.

Fences also help me to define where my ten acres begin and end . . .

  • Is it possible to live and love in a relationship with the absence of fences?
  • Is it reasonable to ask for the happiness felt in a secure relationship to be given without expectations?
  • I am playing at being a higher power when I expect and wish for increased intimacy in my marriage?
  • Does love ask me to let someone be my priority while I am only their option?

I am seeking a new world without fences. Would I be able to love in a world in the absence of fences? I think I may encounter God there.



Arizona Fence, #7626

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

(click image for larger version)

Details: January 6, 2007; Canon 20D; f/11 @ 1/320 sec; ±0 EV; ISO 400; 61mm.

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Monday, July 26, 2010

Communion

I love people so much that it can physically hurt.

I get so attached to people and animals that I yearn for them.

I still yearn for my beautiful dog, Washo. Washo was pure love, happy, loyal, strong, beautiful and courageous.

He was the best partner I ever had; he never let me down.

When he was killed by a mountain lion in the hills above Ukiah, I let him down: I did not protect him from the bad things that could or would eventually get him.

I felt this way when my older brother Tom died of cancer.

He was 46 years old. His birthday was the day before he died. I felt like if I had been a better sister and if I had loved him harder and more, he would live.

He died of metastatic cancer.

His death was not a reflection of my lack of love or deficiencies as a sister.

When I was young my father would ridicule me for crying when guests would leave our home after a visit. He called me Sarah Bernhardt. I did not know she was a great actress in the silent movies. All I knew was that my father did not like it when I cried my farewells to loved ones.

I fall in love too easily.

I love too long. I am too loyal when it comes to love.

I love people who don't deserve my love. I love my people forever -- even those that have hurt me.

It takes a long time to soothe my broken heart.

Yet, I cannot stop loving people. I have tried.

Love is the only source of pure happiness and freedom. Love is the purest expression of God.

When I am on my knees aching deeply in my broken heart, I realize I am blessed to love. There is no way to love too much. What the world needs now is love sweet love.

There a sweet pure golden nectar of love pouring from my heart into yours. It is a never ending fountain of source energy from the Divine. I must allow it to flow even when I am afraid of being hurt. Stopping the flow would have dire consequences in my life and for the life of my people.

I am a part of the river of the love flowing through all of us. Remove all the dams, and dance with me in the golden nectar of the Divine.



Simpatico, #7285

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

(click image for larger version)

Details: April 14, 2010; Canon 20D; f/16 @ 1/250 sec; -2/3 EV; ISO 400; 100mm.

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Sunday, July 25, 2010

Let it Be

What I decided when I was growing up is that it takes a lot of energy to be in relationship with others. Sometimes it is overwhelming to be with others. In my family we did not learn how to connect and sustain relationships, even between one another.

As an adult I was thrust into relationship with others. There are many different ways to be in relationship. All of my attempts centered on the false premise that there must be a way to love without risk. Love seemed dichotomous. It was either good or bad.

Energy is neutral. It exists in the light and in the dark. It is cold, hot and warm. Energy is the source of all things; all things are energy.

Synergy between people is a generator of energy. Conflict between people is a detractor of energy.

Taking care of my own personal energy is my job.

I sometimes want others to do this job for me. This is where I get myself into trouble. When I expect, hope or demand others to take care of situations that I alone am responsible for, I am asking too much of the people I love. I am detracting from my relationship with others.

The difference between my own responsibility and others is not always clear. When I ask the Divine for help I am granted "clearer vision." I can see my own responsibilities more clearly. I can let others' situations be.

Still, it takes a lot of energy to be in relationship with other people.

Today I see this energy as vast and abundant. The energy for loving others does not come from me, but rather comes through me from the Divine. Once I recognize and accept this truth, suddenly I am able to be in love with others and take care of myself.

What a relief is to know instead of tuning into FEAR I can tune into LOVE. But I still exercise the muscle to turn the dial.



Cane Energy, #5962

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

(click image for larger version)

Details: December 28, 2009; Canon 20D; f/5.6 @ 1 sec; -2/3 EV; ISO 400; 55mm.

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Friday, July 2, 2010

Independence Day

It's what we all strive to be: independent of the people who raised us, and to be able to live independently while searching for the One True Love . . .

Yet, once found isn't it then that we too frequently become dependent, or even the more dastardly, Codependent with the new found lover?

Independence Day celebrates our liberation from the British. The United States broke ranks and created a new form of governance. The revolutionaries' hope was that through rejection of Kingdom's control and laws the new country's people would work collectively to create a genuine, free democracy, displacing an oppressive monarchy.

As individuals, in partnership or not, we must find our own sense of Independence. An enlightened connection to one's Self enables connecting with others. Independence and interdependence are both needed in a healthy society, and are vital to a functioning family system.

Knowing who I am, and what I want, makes it much easier for my partner to know my wants. We free ourselves of the old broken processes of mind reading and need meeting. In my family of origin I needed to know what you needed before you did so I could meet that need immediately. By reading minds and meeting needs I earned my keep -- survived -- in the family system. The price I paid was the loss my sense of Self in this process of constant vigilance.

I cannot truly fully meet others' needs, or even anticipate what their needs may be. I can only focus on myself and be in relationship with myself, so that when I do need something I can understand and ask for help. Knowing who I am -- my strengths, weaknesses, capacities and limitations is true Independence.

By realizing such Independence I am empowered to be a whole partner for my One True Love. The TRUEST Power is that which is found in my heart. It there that is the source of the power to love even when the instinct is to run.



Flag Grab, #8888

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

(click image for larger version)

Details: June 20, 2010; Canon 20D; f/11 @ 1/1001 sec; -2/3 EV; ISO 400; 100mm.

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