Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Holiday Hysterectomy

My husband James and I have been visiting Northern California for several days. It's been over a week since I had a hysterectomy. It was a quiet little procedure, conducted through the vagina, requiring no abdominal incisions or complications.

It was almost like haviung a wart removed.  In and out, literally. In one minute I was a able bodied female mammal capable of birth and breast feeding.  Now, without doubt, I am incapable of reproduction. 

Having my uterus removed was a very big deal for me.

  It required a lot of spiritual and mental preparation to accept that I could never ever become pregnant again. I have forever lost the ability to bring life through my body.  I am never again going bleed in the cycle of life/death/rebirth.  I cannot deny that I am physically incapable of producing human life. I am now a Crone, even though I am technically not of age to earn this regal status.

Now please don't misunderstand me:  I am forever grateful to be rid of unexplained pelvic pain and dysfunctional bleeding. I am looking forward to life beyond hysterectomy.

I do have to publicly acknowledge and call into the forefront Mr. Joseph Moes, and all the gifts he bestowed upon me at thirteen, and to my potential children, and my husband's hopes of being a father.  I do have to say that until December 10, 2012, I carried within my uterus the pain and suffering of all girls and women who have been scarred and abused.  With this sudden excavation, I am free of both the tissue and the cellular memories that held me hostage and kept me in bitter despair and war with my beautiful body.  

I want to thank my beautiful body for being productive and carrying me through the hardest chapters of my life.  I want to thank my sisters Donna and Tricia for helping me to be strong at a time it would have been easy to slit my wrists.  I want to Thank Luanna Wendell for driving me to Kaiser, for she was the only girl on the block with a Driver's License.  

I want to thank Monica Gubrud, Tookie Dunfield, Diane Pini, and my therapist at the Sunnyvale Mental Health Clinic for keeping me alive during this time, a period when it would have been much easier to leave this planet.  

And last but not least,  I want to thank Hannah Mae for waiting until I was ready to be her Mom. I believe strongly that children choose their parents and she had ample opportunities to be born. She chose me.  For that, am forever grateful for her love.

Untitled (Mother and Child), #3721

(c)2009, 2012  James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

(click image for larger version)

Details: June 20, 2009; Canon 20D; f/5.6 @ 1/15 sec; -2/3 EV; ISO 800;
Canon EF-S 18-55mm f/3.5-5.6 @  55mm.


1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing your story. You are brave and strong. I had to have a minimally invasive hysterectomy performed due to an ectopic pregnancy. I didn't have any time to prep emotionally, and I was devastated for a long time after. It still hurts from time to time, but it's inspiring to read stories like this.