What I decided when I was growing up is that it takes a lot of energy to be in relationship with others. Sometimes it is overwhelming to be with others. In my family we did not learn how to connect and sustain relationships, even between one another.
As an adult I was thrust into relationship with others. There are many different ways to be in relationship. All of my attempts centered on the false premise that there must be a way to love without risk. Love seemed dichotomous. It was either good or bad.
Energy is neutral. It exists in the light and in the dark. It is cold, hot and warm. Energy is the source of all things; all things are energy.
Synergy between people is a generator of energy. Conflict between people is a detractor of energy.
Taking care of my own personal energy is my job.
I sometimes want others to do this job for me. This is where I get myself into trouble. When I expect, hope or demand others to take care of situations that I alone am responsible for, I am asking too much of the people I love. I am detracting from my relationship with others.
The difference between my own responsibility and others is not always clear. When I ask the Divine for help I am granted "clearer vision." I can see my own responsibilities more clearly. I can let others' situations be.
Still, it takes a lot of energy to be in relationship with other people.
Today I see this energy as vast and abundant. The energy for loving others does not come from me, but rather comes through me from the Divine. Once I recognize and accept this truth, suddenly I am able to be in love with others and take care of myself.
What a relief is to know instead of tuning into FEAR I can tune into LOVE. But I still exercise the muscle to turn the dial.