Loyal Soldier

In the hustle and bustle of everyday living I lose track of the divine in all things. The mundane and familiar can become incidental. The drama of everyday living is so compelling.

I love a good storyline. When I get caught up in the drama of others, I avoid self care. I have been running in my life for so long, I am not if I can stop. I believe I have done this since I was very young. It must have been purposeful, at some point. Now it has become destructive and ineffective. If it was still working, I would not be blogging about it. My tendency to "over do it" has cost me relationships. It has also impacted my integrity because I am less accountable to myself and others when I try to do it all.

I am vivacious and a lover of life. I love to live fully with all senses engaged. I cannot do this every minute of everyday. I t is too much. It is artificial. It no longer serves me.

How does one slow down but stay present and authentic?

How do I remain fully engaged but not continue to be the "little engine that could?"

What will my loyal soldier's next assignment be?

Egret's Egress, #3921

© 2011 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

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Details: February 2, 2011; Canon 20D; f/6.3 @ 1/4016 sec; ±0 EV; ISO 400; 430mm.

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Spring is Springing

When it rains, it pours.

Usually this is associated with negative outcomes. It rains pain. It rains suffering. It rains something other than sweet cool nourishing life force.

It has been raining in my head lately. I am over-stimulated and overwhelmed with life. Too many things are coming up, and while I know we don't usually get more than we can handle today I feel like, "Hey God, please don't trust me so much . . ."

My parents are needing more and more care and companionship. Trying to handle it from California, New York and Arizona is too much for us now. We have to make big decisions. WOW. Now I know I am grown up. I am making decisions about my parents future. RAIN, RAIN, Go away. Come on back another day.

At least today I have an umbrella of support in my life, people who love me even when I cannot love myself. Some very good friends came to visit me tonight. We laughed about men. We laughed about love. We laughed through our pain and cried from our laughter. We rained joy.

Tomorrow, my plan is to get up and do it over again. With the love and friendships I have in my life today, I know I can weather any storm.

May you stay warm and dry tonight.

Sonora Desert Sunset, #9941

© 2011 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

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Details: February 19, 2011; Canon 20D; f/4 @ 1/500 sec; —1 1/3 EV; ISO 400; 112mm.

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Eve of the New Year

As 2010 passes before my eyes, I fondly recall the recent winter solstice and lunar eclipse. It was last seen four hundred years ago. I am taken aback by the magnificence of these two major events occurring together within my lifetime. Celestial events amaze and inspire me. They are magical even while being expected and measured.

When I stop and consider the genuine preciousness of life, I am in total awe. We are so blessed to be on this living, giving planet which I lovingly and gratefully call Mother Earth. She loves and provides for us unconditionally, despite our ignorance and harm. She swirls in the sensual depths of the universe, surrounded by stars and planets. Her orbit is scheduled and specific. Not too much changes for the earth and her orbit. It could seem too defined and maybe a little boring. Somehow I doubt that there is much stagnancy in the universe.

Over the past twelve months there have been a number of times I felt tired and bored with my life, my conditions, my career, etc. I entered into a period of spiritual inertia. When I go to this place it is usually a sign that my life in unbalanced, or what I call being in spiritual disequilibrium. I am either doing too much unnecessary activities, or not doing enough of the essential things. Sometimes if I am not careful, I can call "distractions" into my life. These can come in the form of activities that are unhealthy or unproductive, or they can, for some of us, be addictions (alcohol, drugs, spending, eating, sex, etc.). It is important to stay close to my source during these fallow times of inertia. It is a good time to increase meditation, spiritual reflection, yoga, or spend time in the natural world. If you are in a twelve step program, it is a time to return to the basics. I can attend more meetings and show up early and be of service to newcomers.

The wheel of the year continues to turn, and just like a lunar eclipse, it ends. The days click by, and the years seem to pass by more quickly. I must be alive and active in my own life everyday, even when I am tired of the conditions. It is my responsibility to "act as if" until I can once again feel the joy of being alive and being Julianna.

May the New Year bring you all the joy, health and abundance you desire.
May you find love and the patience to sustain it.
May you be filled with the peace, love and kindness of the divine.
And most of all may you be in peace within your own skin.

On this early morning on January 1, 2011, I am grateful for the freedom, love and peace that fills my heart and hearth. Today is the first day of the rest of our lives. It is up to each one of us to make the best of it, and everyday that follows.

Polaris (True North Revolutions), #3237-3239

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

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Details: May 17, 2009; Canon 20D; f/5 @ 20 mins, 17 sec; ±0 EV; ISO 400; 17mm.

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Integrity II

The past few months have offered many opportunities to face familiar old demons and fears. As I have been merrily singing another's song I lost the beat to my own.

I followed the worn down path in front, as my face which has been drawn to the ground wearily like an old ripened pear in the lonely orchard.

Marriage offers so much, but really, there is very little.

Solitude has filled my days and nights for the past five years. If you knew me at all, you would know that I live for interactions with PEOPLE.

Regardless, in the solitude, I continue to search for the drum beat back into my own swan song.

Solitary Bench, #2176

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

(click image for larger version)

Details: December 30, 2008; Canon 20D; f/8 @ 1/200 sec; —1 EV; ISO 400; 28mm.

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Integrity

Having integrity in relationship looks different depending on what your personal values are regarding relationship.

I am in a relationship with my husband who's values and beliefs in relationship are very different than my own. We have different pictures, languages and cosmologies about life and love.

We don't have to speak the same language or be moved by the same art to connect at the heart chakra. We simply need to slow down and listen to the other person's dreams and desires.

When I spend time listening to my husband, I realize I know the words to his song. I realize I have been humming that tune for a long, long time.

Columbia Piper, #1605

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

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Details: November 15, 2008; Canon 20D; f/5.6 @ 1/100 sec; —2/3 EV; ISO 400; 85mm.

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Ego Inflammation

A common aim in the world of 12-Step programs is to work towards ego deflation. Ego deflation can occur when one is faced with the profound sense of powerlessness over situations and people. It is a psycho-spiritual overcompensation into humility. Humility redirects us back toward the true spiritual aim of detachment.

When I am not taking good care of myself and I become too hungry, angry, lonely or tired I place myself in danger of having a re-emergence of my core issues or, as we call them, "my buttons." These buttons, when treated by the spiritual medicine of the twelve steps, are returned to their natural and functional state. The buttons are once again right-sized.

When my spiritual condition is in disequilibrium my core issue buttons are inflamed. Once inflamed they painfully react to often benign stimuli because my vision is also inflamed. I become angry and defensive. I am attached to the reasons for my buttons. Inflammation, spiritual or physical, is best treated with ice. I have to cool down the area (mind, body, spirit) if I have any hope of overcoming the episode.

Cooling down my own inner state requires detachment and compassion for myself and others. I can sit quietly and still my mind, with the hope of finding deep understanding and therefore compassion for myself and others. Cooling down the area allows for the inflammation to pass, and for the pain to be transformed into compassion. When I care about others from a place of care of Self, I am demonstrating compassion in the largest sense of the word.

Buttons, #6952

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

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(EXIF data unavailable; taken circa 2006)

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A Prayer for Sarah Jane

All of life is circle.

Beginnings and endings. It becomes so constant that it's difficult to see exactly when it begins, or where it ends.

We all come to this life in search of the good-trouble, LOVE.

Sarah was my friend. She was the mother of soul sister, Jeanne. She was a grandmother and great-grandmother. She came to this life willing to find the good-trouble.

And, she found it! She created it! She lived it, and she left this life having touched so many with her absolutely feisty passion for life, family and LOVE.

Sarah's daughter Jeanne was inspired to jump into the deep water of love because she experienced her mother safely navigate these waters.

Sarah descended from a strong stock of women. She in turn mothered a strong woman whom I trust with my life and my heart.

There has never been before, nor shall there ever be, a star which twinkles so incandescently and mischievously, shines so proudly or comforts hearts so naturally as did Sarah Jane.

She hasn't really left us. Even now she shines brightly, deep within our hearts, bringing forth the memories we were blessed to share together.

Look up into the October night sky. Find the brightest star with a constant playful twinkle.

Do you see it? That is Sarah Jane.

Call upon her in times of sorrow and grace. She is waiting to shine down upon you and bless you with her good-trouble LOVE.

Just as she demonstrated to us through her own life, follow your dreams, find your North Star and live your life fully. Nothing would make her happier!

The other place I know to find her is at the beach, dancing upon the crashing waves, spraying forth the elixir of life. As the waves roll into shore, I hear her voice and laughter, and I realize she'll dance, swim, sing and love forever.

Sarah Jane, save me a seat, I will be there soon.

Aho!

Bodega Head Surf, #1631

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

(click image for larger version)

Details: October 9, 2010; Canon 20D; f/6.3 @ 1/500 sec; —2/3 EV; ISO 100; 61mm.

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