Autumnal Equinox

The morning air is crisper and it stays dark until almost seven o'clock in the morning. I feel a strong pull to stay in my bed with the covers pulled up to my chin, warm and safe. I see the trees changing out their wardrobes, as I carry sweaters from one closet to the next. It is definitely becoming Fall. Autumnal Equinox is long past now, and we are into Hallomas. The light is growing longer and our shadows dance on the sidewalks until dinner time.

• Are you feeling the urge to go inward?
  
• To stay home and cook stew?
• To wear sweaters and leggings and pull out your Uggs?
  

Yes!!!! Me too. And so is Mother Nature. She prepares herself by deepening the caves and covering the ground. She knows winter is a long siesta for much of the natural world. And while it may seem unproductive, it is essential. The preparation for Spring is happening but in a way that is magical and unseen.

• How is that true in your own life?

• What is occurring naturally within you, without a lot of effort and energy?

We are all given this reprieve from daily frenzied activities. Do we pay attention to the inner cycle of life/death/rebirth? Are you aware that you are craving solitude right now? Are you able to slow down and be present to the divine within you? What will you be mulling over in the compost of your internal life this Fall?

Two Bird Sunset, #4878-20D

© 2011 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

(click image for larger version)

Details: February 16, 2011; Canon 20D; f/14 @ 1/250 sec; ±0 EV; ISO 200;
Canon EF 70-300mm f/4-5.6L IS USM @ 252mm

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Fog and Myst

Dreams are soul excursions between twilight and dawn where I enter the collective deep interior with it's vast tunneling pathways leading me into my soul. The images, which can be strange, sacred, and at times scary, are essential opportunities to remember my fate and purpose. Some images lick at my heels like angered flames as I attempt to fly over them without injury. The point is not to avoid being burned; the point of purpose is to accept the invitation rather than avoiding the pain. The fire of purpose never goes out, even as fog or mist dampen the heat. The luminous fire constantly offers the essence of alchemical transformation.

I must be willing to step into the flames.

Mist and fog are elements that may cool the fire and confuse familiar terrain, however my feet know the way. My purpose and fate are embedded in my body. My DNA is encoded with ancestral myth and mysticism, which eternally urges me deeper into living my dream.

I call upon fog and Myst (mist) to cool the fire of my purpose. In Fall and Winter I tend to my hearth with a slow and simple fire. I have had enough of the towering infernos which burn too hot and too bright consuming all my energy. This is the season when fog and mist are welcomed partners. I am aware and I am embracing elemental change.

In the mist and fog I am given more time to contemplate what is emerging in the distance. It is this time between seeing and knowing that I choose to dwell today.

Goddess Sunset, #1040-7D

© 2011 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

(click image for larger version)

Details: August 12, 2011; Canon 7D; f/8 @ 1/40 sec; —2 EV; ISO 400;
Canon EF 70-300mm f/4-5.6L IS USM @ 135mm

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Holding Myself in Grace

Since my last blog entry I have joined the ranks of thousands of Americans, as I returned to therapy. I found a great therapist from a referral of a good friend and ally.

I had been looking. I had been looking for a male therapist. I did not think a woman therapist would be the right fit.

Lo and behold, I was wrong. When the student is ready, the teacher appears.

I am a very good therapist, so I have extremely high expectations of all therapists. Most don't come near meeting my lofty ideals. Most are too "technique" based. What works best for my own therapy is a Jungian/Freudian. What I am best at providing for others is a gestalt/psychodrama/narrative approach.

I believe fully that the mishaps of our early beginnings in life cast long, far-reaching and dark shadows upon our SELF over the course of our lifespans.

My goal for therapy is to stretch my immature underdeveloped SELF into a more reliable and accountable me.

It is not easy pushing mySELF out into the world in ways that purposely make me uncomfortable. I walked into that therapist's office and told her all my deep dark secrets about letting myself off the hook. I explained that I would lie to her when I wanted to take a break and would become defensive when I was afraid. I clearly stated that I would balk at any attempt by her to push me.

She still agreed to take me on.

I think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship, with mySELF.

Arising Rose, #1487

© 2011 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

(click image for larger version)

Details: October 6, 2010; Canon 20D; f/8 @ 1/320 sec; —2/3 EV; ISO 400; 100mm.

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Loyal Soldier

In the hustle and bustle of everyday living I lose track of the divine in all things. The mundane and familiar can become incidental. The drama of everyday living is so compelling.

I love a good storyline. When I get caught up in the drama of others, I avoid self care. I have been running in my life for so long, I am not if I can stop. I believe I have done this since I was very young. It must have been purposeful, at some point. Now it has become destructive and ineffective. If it was still working, I would not be blogging about it. My tendency to "over do it" has cost me relationships. It has also impacted my integrity because I am less accountable to myself and others when I try to do it all.

I am vivacious and a lover of life. I love to live fully with all senses engaged. I cannot do this every minute of everyday. I t is too much. It is artificial. It no longer serves me.

How does one slow down but stay present and authentic?

How do I remain fully engaged but not continue to be the "little engine that could?"

What will my loyal soldier's next assignment be?

Egret's Egress, #3921

© 2011 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

(click image for larger version)

Details: February 2, 2011; Canon 20D; f/6.3 @ 1/4016 sec; ±0 EV; ISO 400; 430mm.

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Spring is Springing

When it rains, it pours.

Usually this is associated with negative outcomes. It rains pain. It rains suffering. It rains something other than sweet cool nourishing life force.

It has been raining in my head lately. I am over-stimulated and overwhelmed with life. Too many things are coming up, and while I know we don't usually get more than we can handle today I feel like, "Hey God, please don't trust me so much . . ."

My parents are needing more and more care and companionship. Trying to handle it from California, New York and Arizona is too much for us now. We have to make big decisions. WOW. Now I know I am grown up. I am making decisions about my parents future. RAIN, RAIN, Go away. Come on back another day.

At least today I have an umbrella of support in my life, people who love me even when I cannot love myself. Some very good friends came to visit me tonight. We laughed about men. We laughed about love. We laughed through our pain and cried from our laughter. We rained joy.

Tomorrow, my plan is to get up and do it over again. With the love and friendships I have in my life today, I know I can weather any storm.

May you stay warm and dry tonight.

Sonora Desert Sunset, #9941

© 2011 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

(click image for larger version)

Details: February 19, 2011; Canon 20D; f/4 @ 1/500 sec; —1 1/3 EV; ISO 400; 112mm.

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Eve of the New Year

As 2010 passes before my eyes, I fondly recall the recent winter solstice and lunar eclipse. It was last seen four hundred years ago. I am taken aback by the magnificence of these two major events occurring together within my lifetime. Celestial events amaze and inspire me. They are magical even while being expected and measured.

When I stop and consider the genuine preciousness of life, I am in total awe. We are so blessed to be on this living, giving planet which I lovingly and gratefully call Mother Earth. She loves and provides for us unconditionally, despite our ignorance and harm. She swirls in the sensual depths of the universe, surrounded by stars and planets. Her orbit is scheduled and specific. Not too much changes for the earth and her orbit. It could seem too defined and maybe a little boring. Somehow I doubt that there is much stagnancy in the universe.

Over the past twelve months there have been a number of times I felt tired and bored with my life, my conditions, my career, etc. I entered into a period of spiritual inertia. When I go to this place it is usually a sign that my life in unbalanced, or what I call being in spiritual disequilibrium. I am either doing too much unnecessary activities, or not doing enough of the essential things. Sometimes if I am not careful, I can call "distractions" into my life. These can come in the form of activities that are unhealthy or unproductive, or they can, for some of us, be addictions (alcohol, drugs, spending, eating, sex, etc.). It is important to stay close to my source during these fallow times of inertia. It is a good time to increase meditation, spiritual reflection, yoga, or spend time in the natural world. If you are in a twelve step program, it is a time to return to the basics. I can attend more meetings and show up early and be of service to newcomers.

The wheel of the year continues to turn, and just like a lunar eclipse, it ends. The days click by, and the years seem to pass by more quickly. I must be alive and active in my own life everyday, even when I am tired of the conditions. It is my responsibility to "act as if" until I can once again feel the joy of being alive and being Julianna.

May the New Year bring you all the joy, health and abundance you desire.
May you find love and the patience to sustain it.
May you be filled with the peace, love and kindness of the divine.
And most of all may you be in peace within your own skin.

On this early morning on January 1, 2011, I am grateful for the freedom, love and peace that fills my heart and hearth. Today is the first day of the rest of our lives. It is up to each one of us to make the best of it, and everyday that follows.

Polaris (True North Revolutions), #3237-3239

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

(click image for larger version)

Details: May 17, 2009; Canon 20D; f/5 @ 20 mins, 17 sec; ±0 EV; ISO 400; 17mm.

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Integrity II

The past few months have offered many opportunities to face familiar old demons and fears. As I have been merrily singing another's song I lost the beat to my own.

I followed the worn down path in front, as my face which has been drawn to the ground wearily like an old ripened pear in the lonely orchard.

Marriage offers so much, but really, there is very little.

Solitude has filled my days and nights for the past five years. If you knew me at all, you would know that I live for interactions with PEOPLE.

Regardless, in the solitude, I continue to search for the drum beat back into my own swan song.

Solitary Bench, #2176

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

(click image for larger version)

Details: December 30, 2008; Canon 20D; f/8 @ 1/200 sec; —1 EV; ISO 400; 28mm.

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